I have just come back from Phoenix. I have been golfing and enjoying excellent weather. For those of you live in far off places you won't know that Calgary has had a very good winter thus far. When I left it was unseasonably warm. When I got back yesterday someone hit the "normal" switch and the weather is now horribly cold and back to normal. I hate winter more and more and it more and more makes me want to move somewhere far far away. I will let you all know that I have no paintings left in my house as I am currently burning them all to keep warm.
I want to talk more about writing and painting this year. God knows you all have seen far to much about my personal life in this blog, the point of this was to talk art - it seems like the right time. It never ceases to amaze me how many people in the world are writers who have never published or never finished their beloved work. Myself I have finished 3 books and never bothered to try to sell one. When I was in Phoenix golfing and gambling we had the occasion of celebrating a friends 50th birthday. His wish was to visit a gentleman's club. It's honestly not the type of place I frequent (twice in my life) but as it was his birthday off we went. The club itself was rough around the edges as these places are, but unlike the places I had been to in the past, there was a much higher percentage of attractive girls wandering around talking with the customers.
I will spare you the details for the most part, but I ended up talking with one of the girls for a very long time about her writing. We talked about what she wanted to do in the future, and I talked about my artwork and writing. Then I recommended some books she could read. I don't feel particularly comfortable in this type of place, but I am at a point in my life where I will talk to anyone with ease. What I have have found is that people always have things they want to accomplish, and it is a common point we all like to share our thoughts about. Not only was she a writer, but she was also a very good dancer. She had to leave our conversation to go and do her routine on stage, and for those of you who are prudish she didn't take off all of her clothes, just some of them, and we were all impressed by her beauty, but also she was a great dancer. We all have talents, and we all have a way we would like to move forward in our lives.
When she came back later on in the evening, I told her how good a dancer she was compared with the others. She said she enjoyed the dancing, and had always done it in one form or the other. She was sure of herself and made it known that it was her choice to be there. She made more money doing that than working a normal day job, so she could travel and do what she wanted to. If I wasn't so damn ugly I would do the same thing. The amount of time I spend "working" is what affects the real work I would like to do in my life. It's not that I don't like the work I do now because actually I truly do. I just don't have as much time to build my life exactly the way I wanted to, but my new friend, whom I'm sure I will never see again, was working to do just that. She was using work as a means to an end. I hope that works out for her.
How is it that I end up in a place where I should just be a guy, and end up having a deep conversation about life? If this is the way my life is going, I have to say I like it a lot. Why be some typical horny guy when you can find out something about someones life? That's what writing is about. I have often written characters who are prostitutes by choice (Let's get this straight my new friend IS NOT a prostitute - she was a dancer) but I have always thought there were people who found that life and been successful. People who made the choice to do those types of things for a living because they actually liked it. I know there is a seedier side which even she admitted to, but it hadn't affected her. She told me she liked what she did, and I believed her. She also told me it wasn't going to define her. She had a plan and a good head on her shoulders. I guess I was just fascinated.
I plan on asking more people for their stories. I suppose I should also ask them if they mind if I posted snippets for us all to learn. I think it's good to learn from other people. What better to way figure out what works and what doesn't? There is no magic method that works for everyone, but if you can get some tips along the way it may help.
So lets end on a tip from me to you: If you do live in a cold climate I suggest you remove the canvas before you burn the painting to stay warm. That way you still have the painting, and more importantly you won't suffocate from the fumes. Who knew acrylic paint burning would hurt so bad? It's still better than being cold. See - you learned something from me just by reading this.
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
Sunday, 1 January 2012
An Idiot windbag repents his sins for the New Year
2011 has been the year when my black and white personality finally started to feel wrong. When I made the decision to shed the polarised version of myself, the only self I have ever know, my world cratered. My self worth vanished and everything I valued began to change. In short I became a crumbled version of myself, and when things were at their lowest I would reach for an ultimatum. I would search for the opposite. In my desperate and sad mind I believed that the only thing that would get me out of my self loathing must be the opposite of what I was doing. It was the old me trying to survive. Kill this, stop that, never, always, must, everything, completely, or nothing, nada, forget it.
That's who I am and always have been. The road to who I need to be, want to be, will be, has taken me to sorrow so deep it deconstructed my being. It crushed me. I have never been so sad, I have never looked so deep, and I have never come so close to setting it all on fire. Maybe that's what I did. Maybe now 2012 is the phoenix rising. My god I hope so. One of the moments I will never forget - when a friend told me to remember that for every mile of road there is two miles of ditch. It's an old saying, but it smacked me in the face. I have lived my adult life black or white. I have lived my adult life trolling the ditches and missing the point. It made me sad, and it made me angry. I thought I was smarter than that, and I didn't realize that by being so far to one side or the other, I was making my life far more difficult than it needed to be. I have not given myself the opportunity to live on a balanced path. I thought making hardcore decisions and drawing a line in the sand without compromise was who I was, and by being that way it was my version of taking the high road. living to a higher standard. When in reality it was me taking the easy road. It's easier to live in the ditch. That may not seem right, but it is. When you only view things one way, when there is only ever ONE right answer, you absolve yourself from living life. You tie your hands and stop paying attention. The hard decisions are easy because there is only one way forward in your small ridiculous mind. What a waste of time, what a waste of life.
2011 was the year I died. It was the year that everything was lost. Everything.
20 years of my life, the part which brought about my mid-life crisis, talent and excess, waste and regret so great it was an atomic bomb that laid waste to a good life. I lived through it. The worst year of my life will eventually be the year I stopped accepting bad habits. The year I decided I was too important to settle. The Year that felt like it would kill me, will be the Year that makes me a new and better version of myself.
2012 will start with a plethora of challenges, but I am looking forward to the first year of my life that I work hard and travel on the road. No ditches, just pavement. It may not be straight, in fact I can't possible see how it could be, but the turns in the road can't be as hard to navigate. The ditches are riddled with landmines. They require a compass and a machete, a shovel and a pair of dark glasses so you can't see the way out. Getting out has not been easy, and throwing myself back in takes but a second of lapsed judgement.
2011 I lost friends, it was my fault. I was callous and self-important. I said things that were ridiculous. I felt things that were wrong. I have no defence. I was a bad person. It doesn't matter what I did, what I didn't do, what I thought, what I said out loud. By my own estimation and admission I was just not a good version of myself. By my own standards I was an ass hole. As much as I tried, I couldn't help it, but it doesn't matter.
To everyone who stood by me - I thank you. To everyone who I misunderstood or who misunderstood me I apologise. If I lost things this year then I needed to. There were no gains. I was selfish and mean, indignant and self absorbed, over honest and ignorant to any ones need but my own. I can't take that back now. I have to live with it all, but that's the point isn't it? I have to live with it. I have to think of me. If I don't fix my mistakes now then it will be too late one day, and I'll still be the one who has to live with it.
My amazing, brilliant wife told me that if I wasn't willing to be true to myself, and do whatever I needed to do to make my life the life I wanted, then I was living a lie, and because there were so many other people in my life, that if I was living a lie, then they were living it too, and that would be on me. That's a big sentence. It was a truth so hard to take, a statement so honest, and an admission so brave, I will never cease to be blown away by it. Said at a time of rawness and insanity (on my part). I still to this day cannot recover from the balls-y-ness, and the candour let alone the accuracy. It was when I realized
Here is the only thing I can say for sure:
My wife is the strong one, the gutsy one, and the intelligent one. I think this year she may have learned that I am more of an idiot than she ever imagined. I am weak and over-sensitive, but I try hard to improve every year. She is an amazing person and a great friend, and I haven't deserved her company since the day we met. I will eternally be the lucky one. I am always in a good place, and one I don't deserve, because I share my life with an incredible person. So there it is, and where it goes no one can know...
Inbox | x |
Friday, 2 December 2011
The Friendless Void and the Endless sadness of Echoes
I have spent my life believing that people didn't matter. I spent my life believing that I was the only one that mattered, and that the opinion of other people was irrelevant. That was until about about three years ago. That was when I realised that I had been living my life in a way that had held me back. So I began a process of change, I began the process that would allow me to live a different life. During that time I didn't always feel like I was being true to myself. I sometimes felt like I was becoming someone I wouldn't ultimately be proud of. I always envied people who lived life a little more connected, more willing to be apart of the crowd rather than live in the corner. I thought I was more myself being sheltered, and true to who I was being focused on myself. So I made a decided change. A while ago I felt like I had moved forward, and was becoming a better person. Someone who lived more in the world like it was meant to be rather than hiding away.
So here I am today, after three years of hard self improvement, and let me give you a report on how rewarding changing your life is at times. It turns out my initial feelings about people were often correct. That people who are your friends are often only friendly because it's convenient. That living with people in your life is loud and inconvenient, and often after you've made an effort they read into your intentions and misconstrue your intent. Life is messy and honesty is unappreciated and not appreciated beyond what you are probably prepared for. Feelings are better when they are minimal and irrelevant.
Yes, some people are true. Some people are genuinely good. But when you are out in the world, the few are often fogged out by the many. Having your heart broken even in small ways is a common occurrence, and no, people don't always mean it, but without the shield up it happens often. So is it all bad? Is it better to live in silence than hear the greatest symphony ever written once and never again? Are people that lie and leave, better or more true than the ones who try not to lie, but are forced to stay due to obligation?
I am better as a thief, but I no longer want to steal. I am a murderer who has never killed and doesn't want to. This is purgatory and revelation, resolve covered in doubt. I have too many questions about human nature, and always have, but does that mean my decision to change was wrong? I am honest and overly sensitive. I used to be the best liar in the world. The change is too extreme. The debt is too large to pay, and the income will never match the expenditure. I would ask opinions, but I don't get any. I get what I always do - the echo of my own voice into the void, and there is no right answer.
So here I am today, after three years of hard self improvement, and let me give you a report on how rewarding changing your life is at times. It turns out my initial feelings about people were often correct. That people who are your friends are often only friendly because it's convenient. That living with people in your life is loud and inconvenient, and often after you've made an effort they read into your intentions and misconstrue your intent. Life is messy and honesty is unappreciated and not appreciated beyond what you are probably prepared for. Feelings are better when they are minimal and irrelevant.
Yes, some people are true. Some people are genuinely good. But when you are out in the world, the few are often fogged out by the many. Having your heart broken even in small ways is a common occurrence, and no, people don't always mean it, but without the shield up it happens often. So is it all bad? Is it better to live in silence than hear the greatest symphony ever written once and never again? Are people that lie and leave, better or more true than the ones who try not to lie, but are forced to stay due to obligation?
I am better as a thief, but I no longer want to steal. I am a murderer who has never killed and doesn't want to. This is purgatory and revelation, resolve covered in doubt. I have too many questions about human nature, and always have, but does that mean my decision to change was wrong? I am honest and overly sensitive. I used to be the best liar in the world. The change is too extreme. The debt is too large to pay, and the income will never match the expenditure. I would ask opinions, but I don't get any. I get what I always do - the echo of my own voice into the void, and there is no right answer.
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Lou and Louis Guzman Get Married
I don't have to look very far to get inspiration from people in my life. Perfect example being my Sister-in-law. Someone who started her life over. I won't go into detail as I don't really have any, and it isn't my story to tell, but there was a point in her life when she could have made some decisions differently. She could have made things easy. Is 'easy' the word? Probably not. Maybe I can say that she could have accepted that life wasn't exactly as she wanted it, and then did as most of us do and settled for what she had.
What I do know is that she made some very brave choices. Decisions I don't think I could have made in my life. Basically, she wanted something for herself, and she decided to go and get it. Linda and I are very different people. A couple of times we lived together. My wife, her sister, and the ever crotchety quiet man. We shared rent, and tried not to kill each other for small periods of time. Now, we surely have things we do which drive each other crazy, but at the end of the day I think we love each other. I know I love her. I am ever impressed with her abilities as a person, and a mother.
Now I did play a rather key role in this life she has attained for herself. As much as Linda likes to give credit for her meeting Mark (her husband) to my wife. Let me dispel that myth. It has very little to do with Susanne and everything to do with me. I have an uncanny ability to tell good people from bad almost instantly. On a particular night sitting across from a guy I didn't know, at a work function which was not mine (It was Susanne's). Linda showed up (this is the Coles Notes version obviously) said she couldn't meet any good guys. I told her she didn't want to meet good guys, she fit the profile of a young single female, which meant she wanted to meet guys that would treat her like shit, and what she really wanted was a guy to follow around like a puppy dog. Now I know that's harsh, but I was drinking (oldest excuse in the world I know) and I barely filter what I say at the best of times, and when I drink the filter gets turned off. She took offense to this of course, and was adamant that she wanted to meet a nice guy. So I pointed across the table and said 'there is a nice guy, go meet him'. And she did.
Now she has most of what I think she wants out of life. I am sure there is a great deal more I am missing, but this is a blog and not a biography, so if you want to know the rest, then become her friend and stop nosing around. Just kidding.
The point is, two days ago a very lucky little girl was born into a very good home, to two very good people. Their life inspires others, just as all of our lives do. I realize more and more that the things we say and do as individuals ripple into the universe. Be the best version of yourself that you can be, and those actions inspire others. They really do, even if you don't realize it. I often feel that responsibility prevents me from following a dream. Trying not to get in your own way on the path to your goal is diificult at the best of times, and making brave decisions at the right time is the only real way forward that won't lead to regret. That is advise I've had trouble dealing with. The things we want often don't seem to mesh with the place we are in, but if you take Linda's example, then one day you too could be in the place you want to be, surrounded by the people you most want to be with. If only we could all live by the example of others.
I do take credit for everything they have. Quite simply it is my greatness that built everything they have. Obviously, I am kidding. I just look back on these two really great people that found their way into each other's lives, and feel good that I said something, as often I am apt to keep things to myself. At least at this point in my life, what I said, was completely out of character. Today, not so much. Maybe Linda making her first steps to a different life at that time, began the creation of the monster known as ME. I had actually never made that connection until this moment, but watching her become who she is, has certainly helped to make me who I am today. Now if we could only determine if that change was a good thing...
What I do know is that she made some very brave choices. Decisions I don't think I could have made in my life. Basically, she wanted something for herself, and she decided to go and get it. Linda and I are very different people. A couple of times we lived together. My wife, her sister, and the ever crotchety quiet man. We shared rent, and tried not to kill each other for small periods of time. Now, we surely have things we do which drive each other crazy, but at the end of the day I think we love each other. I know I love her. I am ever impressed with her abilities as a person, and a mother.
Now I did play a rather key role in this life she has attained for herself. As much as Linda likes to give credit for her meeting Mark (her husband) to my wife. Let me dispel that myth. It has very little to do with Susanne and everything to do with me. I have an uncanny ability to tell good people from bad almost instantly. On a particular night sitting across from a guy I didn't know, at a work function which was not mine (It was Susanne's). Linda showed up (this is the Coles Notes version obviously) said she couldn't meet any good guys. I told her she didn't want to meet good guys, she fit the profile of a young single female, which meant she wanted to meet guys that would treat her like shit, and what she really wanted was a guy to follow around like a puppy dog. Now I know that's harsh, but I was drinking (oldest excuse in the world I know) and I barely filter what I say at the best of times, and when I drink the filter gets turned off. She took offense to this of course, and was adamant that she wanted to meet a nice guy. So I pointed across the table and said 'there is a nice guy, go meet him'. And she did.
Now she has most of what I think she wants out of life. I am sure there is a great deal more I am missing, but this is a blog and not a biography, so if you want to know the rest, then become her friend and stop nosing around. Just kidding.
The point is, two days ago a very lucky little girl was born into a very good home, to two very good people. Their life inspires others, just as all of our lives do. I realize more and more that the things we say and do as individuals ripple into the universe. Be the best version of yourself that you can be, and those actions inspire others. They really do, even if you don't realize it. I often feel that responsibility prevents me from following a dream. Trying not to get in your own way on the path to your goal is diificult at the best of times, and making brave decisions at the right time is the only real way forward that won't lead to regret. That is advise I've had trouble dealing with. The things we want often don't seem to mesh with the place we are in, but if you take Linda's example, then one day you too could be in the place you want to be, surrounded by the people you most want to be with. If only we could all live by the example of others.
I do take credit for everything they have. Quite simply it is my greatness that built everything they have. Obviously, I am kidding. I just look back on these two really great people that found their way into each other's lives, and feel good that I said something, as often I am apt to keep things to myself. At least at this point in my life, what I said, was completely out of character. Today, not so much. Maybe Linda making her first steps to a different life at that time, began the creation of the monster known as ME. I had actually never made that connection until this moment, but watching her become who she is, has certainly helped to make me who I am today. Now if we could only determine if that change was a good thing...
Tuesday, 1 November 2011
Razor Blades and Glue Sticks
I have started to discover my friends are worried about me. Well... The normal ones are. The ones who can't believe anyone would put personal stuff out there for the world to see. And believe me I can understand that, but there are two things you all need to know. First, everything here is real, and as many of you who get to spend time with me know, I haven't written anything here, that I haven't said out loud at some point. Secondly, I am a writer, and I often say things for dramatic affect. Don't get me wrong, I mean it. But as my wife tells me all the time, I embellish everything. Metaphorically speaking I sing the contents of the phone book, rather than just say the names out loud. I read the Sunday Times using the voice of Kermit D Frog. You need to take me with a grain of salt sometimes. The core of what I am saying, the root of it, is completely true, but the words are dressed up like drag queens at a gay pride parade.
I have an ever growing group of Favorite People. It's a list I keep in my head, and the list changes. As some of you know my life is about to change in a very big way. I am leaving a job I have long loved (and recently more-or-less hated) for something new. It's a great opportunity for me. I struggled with it for the past few months. I have four people I work with who keep me sane, make my life easy, and let me talk nonsense and make a fool of myself everyday. I have a team of people who I have long felt a kinship with that goes beyond anything I have ever experienced. Leaving this behind guts me to the core and leaves me bleeding.
I have felt protective and proud, laughed uncontrollably and commiserated, and worked beside the best people you could hope for. Initially, I didn't want to leave because I thought it would all collapse without me, but eventually I realized how arrogant that was. The truth is I have taught these guys everything I know, and they have taught me right back. We grew together as people and fought the good fight for a common goal. Now I have nothing left, and in fact with me removed these guys will go to the next level. They need me to go so they can learn even more. Sometimes growth has to hurt a little first. I suppose you can make the argument that I am telling myself this just to make myself feel better, and I see your point. I thought of that too, but it's not the case.
I will always have a relationship with these guys. We will still play poker, we will still have dinner, we will always be friends, and I will always be there for anyone of them. We just won't work together anymore. I don't have kids, but I imagine this sadness mixed with other emotions is sort of like sending your kid off to kindergarten for the first time. All those emotions of fear, excitement, and sadness cutting you to the core, and making you take the next step in life whether you want to or not. The kid will obviously be fine, but as a parent you want to throw yourself down, and demand that time stop. You want to be protective and shelter your child from possibility they may get hurt, and then reality slaps you awake again. You realize - that for the child you love so much to grow - you have to let them go. There comes a time when holding on only smothers the ones we love. I honestly think this is the case here.
I hope that as time goes by I will be remembered as fondly as I will remember them. I hope they feel like I was a good boss, and an even better coworker. I have been honoured and privileged to work along side these guys for more than 7 years. I have fought and struggled against the decision to leave, but at the end of the day if you cut yourself open with a razor blade - you can't fix it with a glue stick.
How's that for drag queens at a gay pride parade???
I have an ever growing group of Favorite People. It's a list I keep in my head, and the list changes. As some of you know my life is about to change in a very big way. I am leaving a job I have long loved (and recently more-or-less hated) for something new. It's a great opportunity for me. I struggled with it for the past few months. I have four people I work with who keep me sane, make my life easy, and let me talk nonsense and make a fool of myself everyday. I have a team of people who I have long felt a kinship with that goes beyond anything I have ever experienced. Leaving this behind guts me to the core and leaves me bleeding.
I have felt protective and proud, laughed uncontrollably and commiserated, and worked beside the best people you could hope for. Initially, I didn't want to leave because I thought it would all collapse without me, but eventually I realized how arrogant that was. The truth is I have taught these guys everything I know, and they have taught me right back. We grew together as people and fought the good fight for a common goal. Now I have nothing left, and in fact with me removed these guys will go to the next level. They need me to go so they can learn even more. Sometimes growth has to hurt a little first. I suppose you can make the argument that I am telling myself this just to make myself feel better, and I see your point. I thought of that too, but it's not the case.
I will always have a relationship with these guys. We will still play poker, we will still have dinner, we will always be friends, and I will always be there for anyone of them. We just won't work together anymore. I don't have kids, but I imagine this sadness mixed with other emotions is sort of like sending your kid off to kindergarten for the first time. All those emotions of fear, excitement, and sadness cutting you to the core, and making you take the next step in life whether you want to or not. The kid will obviously be fine, but as a parent you want to throw yourself down, and demand that time stop. You want to be protective and shelter your child from possibility they may get hurt, and then reality slaps you awake again. You realize - that for the child you love so much to grow - you have to let them go. There comes a time when holding on only smothers the ones we love. I honestly think this is the case here.
I hope that as time goes by I will be remembered as fondly as I will remember them. I hope they feel like I was a good boss, and an even better coworker. I have been honoured and privileged to work along side these guys for more than 7 years. I have fought and struggled against the decision to leave, but at the end of the day if you cut yourself open with a razor blade - you can't fix it with a glue stick.
How's that for drag queens at a gay pride parade???
Sunday, 23 October 2011
Vegas, the dirty underworld told by a repentant man in flannel
I sit in my underwear with little to say. OK, I don't wear underwear. I have to confess to you all that I did to go Vegas. We all know the line which forbids me from uttering what I am about to, but if I were a man of faith, which I am not, and you were my Priest, which you are not, and we were sitting in a little booth... I would have to tell you everything, and then you could judge me, tell me what to do, and I would be free from my mistakes and misgivings. No, I am not making fun of religions. I guess I need to state that as we all know how the entire world seems to have lost their sense of humour about pretty much everything.
So Bless me Anonymous Internet Person for I have sinned... I went to Las Vegas to get rich, and stake my claim on the world. Instead, I took a handicap room (mostly by accident), lost almost everything, had a random person lick my face, and gave money away to people I don't know. I didn't lose money, I actually gave it away as I won it. I consumed alcohol at a startling rate, and actually was so drunk at one point I got lost in a casino, and couldn't find my way out. I ate way too much, golfed horribly, and had a great time overall. Being as I am old and boring that is about it. The only vow I broke was the one about getting rich and staking my claim on the world. Overall, job well done. The face licking thing haunts me, and generally makes me feel ill. Although, I do believe the person who licked my face, whom I do not know or remember her name, posted it on her Facebook. If you know who she is, or have seen the video/picture, please tell her EW!
Halloween Party Mark I was a great success. We will be doing again next year - so those of you who missed it will get a second chance. As for Hall and Oates, well they were a great disappointment to all who looked forward to meeting them. They kept asking the male guests if 'that was a sock in their pants or if the guy was just happy to see them'. They drank to excess, and had to be carried into their limo at the end of the night. They didn't perform, and signed only 2 autographs the entire night.
I am working on writing something on the fiction front as I promised last week. However, the two ideas I started were actually too good to give away for free on the Internet so please standby. I have too much raw stuff going on in my brain to go any further on the personal front. Good thing I am invisible. Lord knows no one wants to see a middle aged guy, crying, typing his life story/life issues in his underwear (Reminder: I don't wear underwear). Oooohhh the perfect over share beginning gets retread with a perfect over share ending...
So Bless me Anonymous Internet Person for I have sinned... I went to Las Vegas to get rich, and stake my claim on the world. Instead, I took a handicap room (mostly by accident), lost almost everything, had a random person lick my face, and gave money away to people I don't know. I didn't lose money, I actually gave it away as I won it. I consumed alcohol at a startling rate, and actually was so drunk at one point I got lost in a casino, and couldn't find my way out. I ate way too much, golfed horribly, and had a great time overall. Being as I am old and boring that is about it. The only vow I broke was the one about getting rich and staking my claim on the world. Overall, job well done. The face licking thing haunts me, and generally makes me feel ill. Although, I do believe the person who licked my face, whom I do not know or remember her name, posted it on her Facebook. If you know who she is, or have seen the video/picture, please tell her EW!
Halloween Party Mark I was a great success. We will be doing again next year - so those of you who missed it will get a second chance. As for Hall and Oates, well they were a great disappointment to all who looked forward to meeting them. They kept asking the male guests if 'that was a sock in their pants or if the guy was just happy to see them'. They drank to excess, and had to be carried into their limo at the end of the night. They didn't perform, and signed only 2 autographs the entire night.
I am working on writing something on the fiction front as I promised last week. However, the two ideas I started were actually too good to give away for free on the Internet so please standby. I have too much raw stuff going on in my brain to go any further on the personal front. Good thing I am invisible. Lord knows no one wants to see a middle aged guy, crying, typing his life story/life issues in his underwear (Reminder: I don't wear underwear). Oooohhh the perfect over share beginning gets retread with a perfect over share ending...
Friday, 14 October 2011
Face Tattoos and Elder Folk
I have nothing to say that can lead to any good. There is a stillness where I stand, and yet everything in my life is moving. Any attempt I make at a comment could end up looking premature or foolish. So what am I writing? I get asked if 'I am writing something new soon' quite often. It nice to have people follow you, but the dangers of expressing true free thought do tend to catch up to you from time to time. So what do you do? Do you edit your true feelings? What if people who know you professionally, but not personally stumble on your inner thoughts? I suppose the slight anonymity I have created with a pen name helps, but that is a pretty flimsy shield in the world of Facebook. I'll have you know that I haven't pulled any punches in these posts. Some of them are a little too close to home, and that hasn't come without a price at times.
I suppose I don't have anything to hide, but maybe I will one day. Maybe I do now, but I just don't realize it yet. I don't want to run away from what I have started here, but it is daunting to release your true life stories, unedited into the void. Especially, when you have an underused talent as a writer of fiction and a driving whim to create absolutely anything. When you craft words they can sting, they can emote, they can also exaggerate, and outright lie. I can't imagine any of that can be good for a person's long term outlook. So what do you do? Do you go all Rolling Stones and spill your blood all over the stage cause it's only Rock N Roll, or do you retreat to the "normal" world and stay silent?
I had a long conversation about being "normal" today. I suppose I am normal (now that stings). I have sought a life of control, and had a distaste for chaos. Turns out that was a huge mistake in my life. The safe road is boring, and now I'm old and stuck (how's that for honesty). I don't intend on staying that way. I have been quietly chipping away at the bedrock I have created underneath myself. I am now about to blossom into a beautiful butterfly (don't ask me how). Basically, I refuse to undervalue myself ever again. That may be an innocuous statement, but it is a motto I intend to live by and just today I put it into action. If it means compromising to move forward then I am going to stay still. No more accepting the normal or the safe road. I am going to tattoo my face, stop driving and take a pogo stick to work singing It's My Party and I'll cry If I Want To, all the way to work. Except in winter so that last bits on hold until June (coward). But the face tattoo that is going to happen. Maybe a butterfly....
I have been thinking that I could post a weekly running story of some kind. Like the serial fiction newspapers used to publish. Take Sherlock Holmes as an example, except mine would have no crime solving or excitement, just random fictional characters with huge personality flaws and anxiety. Sounds delicious I know. Let me know your thoughts. If you want to read it - I will write it weekly or more if I can. Why go through all the trouble of selling something when you can give it away for free?
I suppose I don't have anything to hide, but maybe I will one day. Maybe I do now, but I just don't realize it yet. I don't want to run away from what I have started here, but it is daunting to release your true life stories, unedited into the void. Especially, when you have an underused talent as a writer of fiction and a driving whim to create absolutely anything. When you craft words they can sting, they can emote, they can also exaggerate, and outright lie. I can't imagine any of that can be good for a person's long term outlook. So what do you do? Do you go all Rolling Stones and spill your blood all over the stage cause it's only Rock N Roll, or do you retreat to the "normal" world and stay silent?
I had a long conversation about being "normal" today. I suppose I am normal (now that stings). I have sought a life of control, and had a distaste for chaos. Turns out that was a huge mistake in my life. The safe road is boring, and now I'm old and stuck (how's that for honesty). I don't intend on staying that way. I have been quietly chipping away at the bedrock I have created underneath myself. I am now about to blossom into a beautiful butterfly (don't ask me how). Basically, I refuse to undervalue myself ever again. That may be an innocuous statement, but it is a motto I intend to live by and just today I put it into action. If it means compromising to move forward then I am going to stay still. No more accepting the normal or the safe road. I am going to tattoo my face, stop driving and take a pogo stick to work singing It's My Party and I'll cry If I Want To, all the way to work. Except in winter so that last bits on hold until June (coward). But the face tattoo that is going to happen. Maybe a butterfly....
I have been thinking that I could post a weekly running story of some kind. Like the serial fiction newspapers used to publish. Take Sherlock Holmes as an example, except mine would have no crime solving or excitement, just random fictional characters with huge personality flaws and anxiety. Sounds delicious I know. Let me know your thoughts. If you want to read it - I will write it weekly or more if I can. Why go through all the trouble of selling something when you can give it away for free?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)