Apparently the girls at work took a poll and I look better a little fatter than a little thinner. I find two things interesting about this fact - the first obviously being that the poll took place, and two the outcome was just randomly said to me like I knew it was taking place. It doesn't bother me - although I do wonder if the outcome of the poll had been - I looked better a little thinner - if I would have been told the result. Something tells me the cold hard reality would still have been handed to me. I have put on about ten pounds in the past two years after being at a very svelte weight for a very short time. I think I still look good, but I would certainly feel a bit more comfortable with a Pitt/Clooney makeover/takeover of my body.
I finished the half marathon this year and I finished a full marathon last year. I have a trainer I see twice a week, and I do cardo more often than I care to think about. Still I manage to be a bit heavier than I really want to be. Mostly due to the fact I compare myself against the likes of Clooney and Pitt, and I have a severe carb addiction that occasionally rules my life. I definitely shouldn't compare myself to movie stars and carbs although I love them like the children I never had - are the bane of my existence. However, I work out so hard I think it may just kill me, and lets just say if I work any harder and don't achieve the Greek God physique right this minute I will be incredibly disappointed, I live in a beyond exhausted state, and I will continue to find the act of working this hard and looking this normal - a very difficult pill to swallow. I reread that last bit and it is poorly written, doesn't make sense, and I refuse to change it because it's how I feel, and that doesn't make sense either - so there.
The fact of the matter is I wrestle with things we all do - self-image, and self- worth to name just two. I often find I am very hard on myself despite the fact I have accomplished some fairly heady goals. Liking the person I am is far from an easy thing to do when I know myself so well. I can't hide behind the excuse of not knowing who I am, and not knowing what I want out of life, so judging my successes and failures just happens to be something I excel at. To date I have never succeeded to a full 'pat on the back', but occasionally I do give myself a 'that's not bad'. Funny how if I am judging others I am very keen to give maximum allowances for things I would never tolerate about myself. Therefore the fact I have lost 120 pounds counts for very little, but the fact I have gained 10 in two years is a glaring blot on my self evaluated minor success. Ah the lack of that making any sense is not lost on me friends, but I have never denied the fact I need deep analysis and psychological help.
For the record we should all use the same scale when evaluating ourselves (that way we will be on the same page):
1 I am awesome
2 Good Show Ole Chap
3 Pat On The Back
4 That's Not Bad
5 You Have Got To Be Kidding Me
6 Is That The Best You Got
7 I should have stayed in bed
8 I Don't Even Want To Talk About It
I guess what started me off on this was the people I work with. As you can tell they are interesting people who do not feel that boundaries are located in quite the same place as most people do, and frankly I'm good with that. Between rude jokes that make you feel like you've been transported back to an office in the fifties (minus the ass slapping, but still keeping booze in the desk for an afternoon nip); to the general and regular homoerotic banter between male counterparts, it is a very strange place to spend a work day. That is what makes the place special and I have been sad recently to see the things that make it unique start to die away. There has been a general cleanse with the aim to make the place I work just as homogenized as every other work place in the world, and two things will no doubt result:
1) It will no doubt be successful and wash away all that was once great about where I worked.
2) It will be the loss of something I love.
Honestly, the thought of living in the idealized fifties when people seemingly said what they meant and lived to an honor code rather than living in a world where we all pretend to love each other and let true feelings fester (this is all minus the actual world where women were not equals and race was what made you great - there is always a downside to everything). So go ahead and tell me I look good a little heavier, just don't ask me to be happy when no one will tell me the truth. I don't need those kind of friends, and I would rather know you hated me for who I am and what I stand for. It would make me love you even more if you slapped me in the face when you said it.
Thursday 23 June 2011
Tuesday 14 June 2011
The sound of one hand clapping
A reflection for my young friends who have graduated or will graduate in the near future . Let's think of this as a valedictorian speech from a 37 year old who was never smart enough to have been valedictorian.
In my opinion school is not about what you learn - it is about who you start to become while you are attending school that will matter the most about twenty years after you've left. The possibilities are endless when it comes to the type of person you are becoming. There may be a job or career you feel partial to, but the reality of becoming that person may seem impossible. People will tell you being a musician is impossible - in fact you will be told that being any type of artist is impossible. You may be told that choosing a certain profession will cost you thousands of dollars to attain a degree and when you graduate you will never get a job in the field you've studied in or that the job you get will pay you nothing and reap you no benefit.
Let me - let you - in on a little secret. Anyone who deters you from becoming who you want to be. Anyone who tells you how hard something will be. Anyone who tries to persuade you that who you want to be is not possible or realistic is no friend of yours. They are not worthy of you. They are not thinking about what is best for you. They do not have your best interest at heart. I would advise you - whether this person or these people are friends or family - I would advise you to run. Whether friend or family, confidant, teacher or advisor - you need to run. You need to plug your ears and not listen like when you were six years old. You need to plug you ears and run.
I could go off on the type of person who would give you advise to NOT follow your dreams, but this is not about them. This is about you and your life. What will happen if you listen is eventually you will awaken from a dream. It's actually not a dream it is the reality of what life will become for you if you don't follow your actual dream. Your life will drift by. Your days will be filled with paying bills and doing things you hate so you can pay your bills. You will amass more bills and debt while trying to purchase things that will soothe yourself. The reason you need soothing is due to the fact that you do things you hate for a living because you amass debt and purchase things. It is a sad reality for most of us, and even more sad is the reality that all we had to do to avoid this fate was to follow a dream when we were your age. It doesn't mean that everyone will or would have become a rock star. It means that on the road to becoming a rock star you would grow as a person, and a life that begins in the right direction will most likely continue to follow the right direction, and eventually you will end up in the place you were supposed to be - instead of the place you had to manufacture because you didn't follow your dream.
Your dream may be to become a doctor, but maybe your grades are not good enough or perhaps it will just take too long and you need to feed yourself so you think you need to get a job first. Don't do it. Don't trust yourself to 'go back to school next year'. At every corner you will fight the path of least resistance. You will struggle. You will buy things you don't need, and then the excuse will be you will go back when your VISA is paid off, or when you get a new computer. Don't give yourself a chance to make excuses. You will end up forever trying to feed yourself as a bus driver or a salesman and everyday you will think about where you could have been or what you could have done if only you put your energy into doing what you wanted rather than focusing on a part of life that you will always find a way to get through anyway. So starve a little (trust me you will starve in other ways anyway). Trust yourself to find a way. Go to the damn food bank if you have to. Hell if you know me come to my house and I will feed you. Just don't let the things that jealous petty people say take you aback. Don't trust anything other than the little voice in your head that is telling you what to do.
So maybe your 'little voice' is quiet. Maybe you are the final type of person who doesn't know what you want to do. Well I call bullshit, but o.k. let's play the game. Research the job that pays the most amount of money and doesn't require you to work full time. Find the job where you can consult and work from home. Find the job that will allow you the most amount of leeway to choose projects you want to work on. Google it right now. That way you can go to school for the best job. God knows those of us working stiffs do all the shitty jobs so there is no need for you to join the ranks. Basically if you are going to work do the research and get into something that will allow you to follow your passion down the road when you figure out what it is.
In summation and trust me I know this is a total cliche, but nothing is impossible
In my opinion school is not about what you learn - it is about who you start to become while you are attending school that will matter the most about twenty years after you've left. The possibilities are endless when it comes to the type of person you are becoming. There may be a job or career you feel partial to, but the reality of becoming that person may seem impossible. People will tell you being a musician is impossible - in fact you will be told that being any type of artist is impossible. You may be told that choosing a certain profession will cost you thousands of dollars to attain a degree and when you graduate you will never get a job in the field you've studied in or that the job you get will pay you nothing and reap you no benefit.
Let me - let you - in on a little secret. Anyone who deters you from becoming who you want to be. Anyone who tells you how hard something will be. Anyone who tries to persuade you that who you want to be is not possible or realistic is no friend of yours. They are not worthy of you. They are not thinking about what is best for you. They do not have your best interest at heart. I would advise you - whether this person or these people are friends or family - I would advise you to run. Whether friend or family, confidant, teacher or advisor - you need to run. You need to plug your ears and not listen like when you were six years old. You need to plug you ears and run.
I could go off on the type of person who would give you advise to NOT follow your dreams, but this is not about them. This is about you and your life. What will happen if you listen is eventually you will awaken from a dream. It's actually not a dream it is the reality of what life will become for you if you don't follow your actual dream. Your life will drift by. Your days will be filled with paying bills and doing things you hate so you can pay your bills. You will amass more bills and debt while trying to purchase things that will soothe yourself. The reason you need soothing is due to the fact that you do things you hate for a living because you amass debt and purchase things. It is a sad reality for most of us, and even more sad is the reality that all we had to do to avoid this fate was to follow a dream when we were your age. It doesn't mean that everyone will or would have become a rock star. It means that on the road to becoming a rock star you would grow as a person, and a life that begins in the right direction will most likely continue to follow the right direction, and eventually you will end up in the place you were supposed to be - instead of the place you had to manufacture because you didn't follow your dream.
Your dream may be to become a doctor, but maybe your grades are not good enough or perhaps it will just take too long and you need to feed yourself so you think you need to get a job first. Don't do it. Don't trust yourself to 'go back to school next year'. At every corner you will fight the path of least resistance. You will struggle. You will buy things you don't need, and then the excuse will be you will go back when your VISA is paid off, or when you get a new computer. Don't give yourself a chance to make excuses. You will end up forever trying to feed yourself as a bus driver or a salesman and everyday you will think about where you could have been or what you could have done if only you put your energy into doing what you wanted rather than focusing on a part of life that you will always find a way to get through anyway. So starve a little (trust me you will starve in other ways anyway). Trust yourself to find a way. Go to the damn food bank if you have to. Hell if you know me come to my house and I will feed you. Just don't let the things that jealous petty people say take you aback. Don't trust anything other than the little voice in your head that is telling you what to do.
So maybe your 'little voice' is quiet. Maybe you are the final type of person who doesn't know what you want to do. Well I call bullshit, but o.k. let's play the game. Research the job that pays the most amount of money and doesn't require you to work full time. Find the job where you can consult and work from home. Find the job that will allow you the most amount of leeway to choose projects you want to work on. Google it right now. That way you can go to school for the best job. God knows those of us working stiffs do all the shitty jobs so there is no need for you to join the ranks. Basically if you are going to work do the research and get into something that will allow you to follow your passion down the road when you figure out what it is.
In summation and trust me I know this is a total cliche, but nothing is impossible
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