I have spent my life believing that people didn't matter. I spent my life believing that I was the only one that mattered, and that the opinion of other people was irrelevant. That was until about about three years ago. That was when I realised that I had been living my life in a way that had held me back. So I began a process of change, I began the process that would allow me to live a different life. During that time I didn't always feel like I was being true to myself. I sometimes felt like I was becoming someone I wouldn't ultimately be proud of. I always envied people who lived life a little more connected, more willing to be apart of the crowd rather than live in the corner. I thought I was more myself being sheltered, and true to who I was being focused on myself. So I made a decided change. A while ago I felt like I had moved forward, and was becoming a better person. Someone who lived more in the world like it was meant to be rather than hiding away.
So here I am today, after three years of hard self improvement, and let me give you a report on how rewarding changing your life is at times. It turns out my initial feelings about people were often correct. That people who are your friends are often only friendly because it's convenient. That living with people in your life is loud and inconvenient, and often after you've made an effort they read into your intentions and misconstrue your intent. Life is messy and honesty is unappreciated and not appreciated beyond what you are probably prepared for. Feelings are better when they are minimal and irrelevant.
Yes, some people are true. Some people are genuinely good. But when you are out in the world, the few are often fogged out by the many. Having your heart broken even in small ways is a common occurrence, and no, people don't always mean it, but without the shield up it happens often. So is it all bad? Is it better to live in silence than hear the greatest symphony ever written once and never again? Are people that lie and leave, better or more true than the ones who try not to lie, but are forced to stay due to obligation?
I am better as a thief, but I no longer want to steal. I am a murderer who has never killed and doesn't want to. This is purgatory and revelation, resolve covered in doubt. I have too many questions about human nature, and always have, but does that mean my decision to change was wrong? I am honest and overly sensitive. I used to be the best liar in the world. The change is too extreme. The debt is too large to pay, and the income will never match the expenditure. I would ask opinions, but I don't get any. I get what I always do - the echo of my own voice into the void, and there is no right answer.
