I have a flaw in my writing which mostly involves my want to start in the middle of a story and work my way into the beginning and then attempting to find an end. There is no sequence that really works for me - I mostly just listen to the voice in my head. The voice of the character I am writing about becomes real to me. So real that I start to convince myself that the character exists. The voice becomes a real and separate being - so the question is whether that voice is mine or if it really belongs to someone else. I would like to take credit for the words I write, but truthfully I don't feel they really belong to me. I don't think the words I write will show you the root of my soul - they will simply give you a glimpse into the hamster wheel. I am not really trying to be self-effacing. I just want the truth to be known so if there ever comes a time anything I have ever said or written comes up for debate it will be widely known that the words were just thrown out. They weren't crafted or etched into existence they were spit out like a lunatic in an asylum just seconds before a fresh set of meds are injected.
What starts a story I write is a lone voice which gets me moving forward and what happens next is based on my perception of people. I put them in places and allow them to work themselves out of a situation or further into one. The way the words form and the way the story evolves always centres around human nature. You would think that this ability would allow me to have some extra insight into myself, but unfortunately the X-ray vision only works on others. Mostly it only works on fictional characters.
I am not an easy person. My view of myself is often very dim and I suppose the people I write about have the same dim view of who they are as well. That is the thread that holds us together. My flaws are deep and endless and they mount with each passing day. I have been ruthless in my own self-evaluation and yet I give people I don't know and do know the benefit of the doubt. I have not been hard enough on myself in my own opinion. I have a great life, but I walked into it. I have allowed myself to follow the path of least resistance when it comes to my career. I got lucky and a great girl loves me in spite of my flaws. I bought a house before it got so expensive I couldn't afford to even rent it in today's market.
Overall - when I have failed I have been lucky. Now looking at life I realize that every success I have had could have been magnified if I had followed my dreams. I could go to work every day and make something of my own. I could give more of myself to the girl I love. I could finally wear dread locks and shoot heroin just like I always dreamed (just kidding). I realize that if you are brave your falls will be larger than when you are safe, but when you are brave your successes are larger too. Nothing is perfect, but keep one thing in mind - you have to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day. Who do you want to look at? I seem to be avoiding the mirror quite a bit recently. Don't get me wrong I am proud of who I am - but a little voice keeps telling me that if I just try a little harder and put myself out there a little more that I could be more like the person I want to be - not just the person who settles for good enough.
I turn 37 next week. In general birthdays have never bothered me because I have always felt younger than my actual age, but this one has twinged my normal sensibilities. I feel a bit more 37 than I ever did 36 (if that makes sense). If you are wondering about the rubber chicken thing it's a long story, but at one point in my life when I was younger and thought I'd be famous one day I told a friend that when the day came to write my autobiography I would call it 'Tom and The Rubber Chicken'. It seemed just as ridiculous as the thought of me becoming famous, but it's a commitment I'm prepared to keep should the day ever come.
'Don't confront me with my failures - I have not forgotten them' (Jackson Browne)
