Spoken versus written words and why torture is easier than the expression of my true feelings

I have friends.  I know that's hard to believe I mean I rarely make time for anyone other than myself with the exception of my wife who is a golf widow in the summer and a writing/running widow in the winter.  I have slowly gathered a small group of people who temporarily tolerate me in short bursts.  Maybe that is more apt than saying I have friends.  Either way and regardless of how they feel for me, I have had the honour to know some extremely amazing people who make my life look simple and small in many ways.  I am sure most of us would say the same about their friends.

What I realise or have slowly come to realise is that these people lead extraordinary lives and my once seemingly difficult and sheltered life seems small and mostly insignificant by comparison.  My want to be extraordinary and special is diminished by the presence of the unbelievable people that surround me daily.  And don't get me wrong these people are not famous.  They don't all have incredible jobs and fabulous lives by today's MTV generational standards.  I am not talking about people who jet everywhere, or sleep on stacks of hundred dollar bills.  If that was the case this blog would be dedicated to making these people want to give me money (just kidding — kind of).  What I mean is extraordinary by the standards of real human beings, with real lives.  These people are giants.

I don't always know when it's appropriate to name names in this type of forum.  I know I have been named in certain things on Facebook - or had pictures posted by another person and not been happy about it so I will attempt to remain vague regarding the people's names, but specific about who they are and what they represent to me.

One specific instance that has touched me recently and left me speechless are friends of ours who have a disabled child.  I don't know much about disability.  I don't like to think of anything as having a disability.  To me it's just different.  Some of us have incredible struggles in life and they are all different and varied.  By what most would consider normal standards I am in awe as this child has strong courageous and wonderful parents who will to change their lives and circle the globe to help their child in any way-shape-or form given to them as a possibility.  So if the problem of the child is that he started out life with a disability he ended up with parents that fight for him.  That change their lives for him.  That focus a great deal of who they are to make sure their child is not disabled.  Simply put they are not just parents but champions of a human life.

I don't have that kind of courage.  I don't have that ability to put myself aside for any amount of time to deal with others.  That makes me sound selfish and I am the first to admit that when it comes to my time and my life I am as selfish as anyone.  When I see people this true and this amazing it makes me look at myself in very harsh terms.  I can walk into a room of millionaires and there isn't a single one that would make me feel unworthy or small.  But people this selfless,  truly amazing and strong, make me want to bow like I was in front of real nobility.  Their truth can be difficult, but their spirit for life and their ability to look difficulties right in the eye and not back down is inspiring and beautiful to see.  These are the aristocrats in today's world — in my world.  And through it all they are brilliantly happy and funny people who live life and make the most out of everyday.  I am sure they may feel defeated at times as we all do.  This is when I wish I could be there - I wish I could be there with my pom-poms and my short cheerleader outfit (nice image) and just let them know how all the people who know them feel privileged to know them, everyone who loves them is inspired by their strength and we want to be there.  To be their cheerleader for that moment.

My challenge in life is trying to tell them this.  I can do many things well and a few things I can do better than average, but I struggle with my voice.  My voice when I write is strong, and I am not afraid to stand up in front of a group people and talk or try to be funny.  None of this makes me nervous.  It's only when the talk gets personal.  When the words are heartfelt and the expression could help or make a person feel special that I have a more difficult time.  Often all the words will come into my head, but the voice will not propel them out into the world where they could do some good.  That is unless I can propel them by writing them down and sending them off into the void where maybe these people will see them.  Maybe then it will do some good.

So to all my friends - to any of you that are struggling today or may find yourself struggling tomorrow - I am here for you.  I will give you anything I am able to give.  I will help in anyway I possibly can.  I just may not be able to say out loud exactly what you want or need to hear, but if you need it, and you have a minute or two to wait for me to write it down - then just let me know.

And specifically to the two friends that I mention above — my skills as a parent are zero — my ability to comprehend what you need is small — my thoughts are with you not just today but more often than you realise — and if there is any small thing I can do that will make your incredible lives easier then I will drop everything and be there to aide you.  My admiration for you as people is far beyond what any words are able to express. I know of everything these words do - they probably do very little to actually help, but I humbly offer anything I am capable of providing to help - even the cheerleader outfit.

My cats are trying to kill me.

Why is it no one believes me when I tell them my cats are plotting my death? Is it so hard to believe?  The fact is I think the actual plot is to kill me in my sleep and find a way to blame the dogs so they are removed from the house.  Cats only love you because they are forced to, dogs are too stupid not to love you.

I suppose you think it's impossible to be killed by a cat?  There is evidence to support my theory:
1) Is the creepy way they look at me 2) They like my wife way more than me 3) I have a constant cat nip flavour on my tongue which leads me to believe they stalk me in my sleep 4) I awake constantly feeling like I am a cat toy bouncing on a string and in my sleepy daze I hear the lingering sound of jingle balls and am covered in a cocoon of cat fur.

A friend of mine is getting married soon.  As a man who has been married to a woman for all of his adult life and a little bit before the adult part happened - I think I understand loving someone.  It doesn't mean I solved a mystery or understand the secret of relationships.  I just get wanting to be with the same person.  Wanting to 'get' that person and accept them.  That to me is what the 'marriage' is - you are committing to be flexible, to be kind, to be understanding, and in return you are asking for the same.  Love is the by product.  It is the want for eternity and happiness, but there is no guarantee that a simple vow will lead to either.  There is no way to ensure you will not get hurt.  No way to ensure that even though I've been married 12 years and with the same woman for 16 that we will end up together.  It is my intention for nothing to change by allowing everything to change - except for the bond.  The vow I made to recognise the bond and protect it, shelter it and foster it.  People don't believe in vows that much anymore.  We are no longer taught that your word is your honour.  That honour has value, and being a man or woman of honour is all that matters.  Again a simple view on life.  The details of life make the realities of a bond, a vow, and honour difficult words to live by.

Morality for the masses.  Morality is forgotten because life is hard.  We search for the path of least resistance and we flood those who take it with accolades.  Well I like to think I am a man of honour.  That doesn't mean I have never made mistakes.  I have done dishonourable things.  Things I am not proud of and things that sting me to this very day.  The difference is I learn from those things.  I don't celebrate my failures I live with them, and I try to never repeat them.  My success - if it ever happens - will not be at the expense of others.  My success - if it ever happens - will celebrate others.  Ah utopia.  And in summation if I die tonight - blame the cats.

Holy Hanna Blogging is Hard When You're An Idiot

It's been a week.  Sorry I know you missed me.  I missed myself - I mean truly how can I go an entire week without creative outlet?  Well the easy answer is Blogger wouldn't let me log in, and my ineptness at all social media doesn't help.  I did write this week - I actually wrote pages for my upcoming book.  I'm not trying to sell you anything.  The only reason I mention it is the limited access to my creative outlets i.e. Twitter, Facebook, and now Blogger forced me to actually create something.  Do you have a similar story?  I assume you do - tell me about them - or remain anonymous.  I know I was anonymous most of my life until a friend made me embrace the social media.  And yes when my Facebook page went live for the first time it felt like the entire world was looking at me and the ensuing panic attack was not pretty.  I ran around the house naked to calm myself down.  Well that was just for fun really, but sometimes it's nice to have an excuse.  So now when I'm short on time I use these outlets to be creative in short bursts. I am always looking for other outlets so if you have any please pass it along.  In fact we could hold hands and sing camp fire songs and share our life experiences.  Let's go further and start a commune where we can all quit our jobs and create stuff.  We could be an 'arty' commune - I'm sure no one has ever thought of that before.  Should I have put 'lol' at the end of that last sentence?  I swear that people can't read properly anymore (or write properly meaning me lol) thus we are all forced to follow these new social conventions so when I say something facetious I now need to add 'lol' so the person understands I'm only joking.  Sorry - little pet peeve/rant.  I am definitely not a high brow snob, but it bothers me that people can't judge for themselves when something is funny.  Like the T.V. sitcom laugh track needs to be transplanted into our daily lives because we are all too stupid to see the humour in anything.  The worst part is the Oxford Dictionary recognises these half words lol.  That was a sad lol - not a funny one.