Spoken versus written words and why torture is easier than the expression of my true feelings

I have friends.  I know that's hard to believe I mean I rarely make time for anyone other than myself with the exception of my wife who is a golf widow in the summer and a writing/running widow in the winter.  I have slowly gathered a small group of people who temporarily tolerate me in short bursts.  Maybe that is more apt than saying I have friends.  Either way and regardless of how they feel for me, I have had the honour to know some extremely amazing people who make my life look simple and small in many ways.  I am sure most of us would say the same about their friends.

What I realise or have slowly come to realise is that these people lead extraordinary lives and my once seemingly difficult and sheltered life seems small and mostly insignificant by comparison.  My want to be extraordinary and special is diminished by the presence of the unbelievable people that surround me daily.  And don't get me wrong these people are not famous.  They don't all have incredible jobs and fabulous lives by today's MTV generational standards.  I am not talking about people who jet everywhere, or sleep on stacks of hundred dollar bills.  If that was the case this blog would be dedicated to making these people want to give me money (just kidding — kind of).  What I mean is extraordinary by the standards of real human beings, with real lives.  These people are giants.

I don't always know when it's appropriate to name names in this type of forum.  I know I have been named in certain things on Facebook - or had pictures posted by another person and not been happy about it so I will attempt to remain vague regarding the people's names, but specific about who they are and what they represent to me.

One specific instance that has touched me recently and left me speechless are friends of ours who have a disabled child.  I don't know much about disability.  I don't like to think of anything as having a disability.  To me it's just different.  Some of us have incredible struggles in life and they are all different and varied.  By what most would consider normal standards I am in awe as this child has strong courageous and wonderful parents who will to change their lives and circle the globe to help their child in any way-shape-or form given to them as a possibility.  So if the problem of the child is that he started out life with a disability he ended up with parents that fight for him.  That change their lives for him.  That focus a great deal of who they are to make sure their child is not disabled.  Simply put they are not just parents but champions of a human life.

I don't have that kind of courage.  I don't have that ability to put myself aside for any amount of time to deal with others.  That makes me sound selfish and I am the first to admit that when it comes to my time and my life I am as selfish as anyone.  When I see people this true and this amazing it makes me look at myself in very harsh terms.  I can walk into a room of millionaires and there isn't a single one that would make me feel unworthy or small.  But people this selfless,  truly amazing and strong, make me want to bow like I was in front of real nobility.  Their truth can be difficult, but their spirit for life and their ability to look difficulties right in the eye and not back down is inspiring and beautiful to see.  These are the aristocrats in today's world — in my world.  And through it all they are brilliantly happy and funny people who live life and make the most out of everyday.  I am sure they may feel defeated at times as we all do.  This is when I wish I could be there - I wish I could be there with my pom-poms and my short cheerleader outfit (nice image) and just let them know how all the people who know them feel privileged to know them, everyone who loves them is inspired by their strength and we want to be there.  To be their cheerleader for that moment.

My challenge in life is trying to tell them this.  I can do many things well and a few things I can do better than average, but I struggle with my voice.  My voice when I write is strong, and I am not afraid to stand up in front of a group people and talk or try to be funny.  None of this makes me nervous.  It's only when the talk gets personal.  When the words are heartfelt and the expression could help or make a person feel special that I have a more difficult time.  Often all the words will come into my head, but the voice will not propel them out into the world where they could do some good.  That is unless I can propel them by writing them down and sending them off into the void where maybe these people will see them.  Maybe then it will do some good.

So to all my friends - to any of you that are struggling today or may find yourself struggling tomorrow - I am here for you.  I will give you anything I am able to give.  I will help in anyway I possibly can.  I just may not be able to say out loud exactly what you want or need to hear, but if you need it, and you have a minute or two to wait for me to write it down - then just let me know.

And specifically to the two friends that I mention above — my skills as a parent are zero — my ability to comprehend what you need is small — my thoughts are with you not just today but more often than you realise — and if there is any small thing I can do that will make your incredible lives easier then I will drop everything and be there to aide you.  My admiration for you as people is far beyond what any words are able to express. I know of everything these words do - they probably do very little to actually help, but I humbly offer anything I am capable of providing to help - even the cheerleader outfit.