I have started to discover my friends are worried about me. Well... The normal ones are. The ones who can't believe anyone would put personal stuff out there for the world to see. And believe me I can understand that, but there are two things you all need to know. First, everything here is real, and as many of you who get to spend time with me know, I haven't written anything here, that I haven't said out loud at some point. Secondly, I am a writer, and I often say things for dramatic affect. Don't get me wrong, I mean it. But as my wife tells me all the time, I embellish everything. Metaphorically speaking I sing the contents of the phone book, rather than just say the names out loud. I read the Sunday Times using the voice of Kermit D Frog. You need to take me with a grain of salt sometimes. The core of what I am saying, the root of it, is completely true, but the words are dressed up like drag queens at a gay pride parade.
I have an ever growing group of Favorite People. It's a list I keep in my head, and the list changes. As some of you know my life is about to change in a very big way. I am leaving a job I have long loved (and recently more-or-less hated) for something new. It's a great opportunity for me. I struggled with it for the past few months. I have four people I work with who keep me sane, make my life easy, and let me talk nonsense and make a fool of myself everyday. I have a team of people who I have long felt a kinship with that goes beyond anything I have ever experienced. Leaving this behind guts me to the core and leaves me bleeding.
I have felt protective and proud, laughed uncontrollably and commiserated, and worked beside the best people you could hope for. Initially, I didn't want to leave because I thought it would all collapse without me, but eventually I realized how arrogant that was. The truth is I have taught these guys everything I know, and they have taught me right back. We grew together as people and fought the good fight for a common goal. Now I have nothing left, and in fact with me removed these guys will go to the next level. They need me to go so they can learn even more. Sometimes growth has to hurt a little first. I suppose you can make the argument that I am telling myself this just to make myself feel better, and I see your point. I thought of that too, but it's not the case.
I will always have a relationship with these guys. We will still play poker, we will still have dinner, we will always be friends, and I will always be there for anyone of them. We just won't work together anymore. I don't have kids, but I imagine this sadness mixed with other emotions is sort of like sending your kid off to kindergarten for the first time. All those emotions of fear, excitement, and sadness cutting you to the core, and making you take the next step in life whether you want to or not. The kid will obviously be fine, but as a parent you want to throw yourself down, and demand that time stop. You want to be protective and shelter your child from possibility they may get hurt, and then reality slaps you awake again. You realize - that for the child you love so much to grow - you have to let them go. There comes a time when holding on only smothers the ones we love. I honestly think this is the case here.
I hope that as time goes by I will be remembered as fondly as I will remember them. I hope they feel like I was a good boss, and an even better coworker. I have been honoured and privileged to work along side these guys for more than 7 years. I have fought and struggled against the decision to leave, but at the end of the day if you cut yourself open with a razor blade - you can't fix it with a glue stick.
How's that for drag queens at a gay pride parade???
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