I'm writing, I'm working out twice a day, I'm painting, I'm playing guitar again (very poorly), I am working hard at my new job, I'm eating better, my head space is clearing. The year has started well. My new job is taking a lot of my limited brain power, but it's a good job and I really like it. I heard an interesting term the other day "golden handcuffs". It may be old, but it was new to me. If you don't know, it basically means you are over paid for the job you do, so you can't go anywhere else if you are unhappy because you'll never make the same money for the equivalent work. I think it applies to other things too - patterns you fall into that are easy, and appeal to the lazy side of your personality, and then you have a hard time getting out of it even of those patterns are destructive.
It certainly applies to me in some ways when it comes to work. I would love to have the balls to take a major pay cut, and write for a living. I have been encouraged to do so, but I like my lifestyle. Right now my new job is very challenging. I like to be challenged. I have to set the alarm, and wake up much earlier as my new job is much farther away from home. I am at my desk at 6:00 am, and before I leave the house I have to workout, so when the alarm goes off at 3:55 am it is earth shatteringly difficult to get out of bed. The people that own this company are different than any business people that I have ever worked for. They are so focused on their employees it's like waking up in an alternate universe. I am used to fighting with my bosses to make sure my guys get what they deserve, and in this company everything is readily given if it is earned. It makes me want to work harder, but when that happens something has to give. I can't write as much, I can't workout as much, I can't paint as much. So basically, I have to give of myself, and forget my needs, not only for my paycheque, but for other reasons too. When the people you work for actually care about you first, and the success of the company is for the benefit of all including ownership, my needs start to come second. That type of ownership is so rare, and unbelievable at times, that what I need seems small. Basically, it's a personal want/need deal breaker. I don`t get to be selfish. I need to be plugged in, I need to get the job done, and I need to cultivate that business. It just has to be done. Something like this, is just so rare it has to be maintained and groomed. It has to be successful.
I have spent my life running other people`s companies, even though I have the skill and knowledge to run my own. Sorry if that sounds immodest, but it`s the truth. I have just never been able to find the thing I was passionate about in the business world that would make me take that kind of risk. Having the ability to do something is only a part of the equation, you need to have the desire as well. I guess my ability to write and my desire to be a writer has never been equal enough, or I have never been confident enough to take the risk. It`s too bad in some ways, but where would the world be without guys like me that made sure tractors got built, or that underwear was sewed properly, and in the store on time? Where would the world be if paint was never made in large enough quantities or didn't come in spray bomb green, what if aeroplanes weren't fixed or unloaded on time (wait a minute, bad example. Airlines are horribly run and always late.)
The world we know is fueled by people. Not all of us get to choose what we do to earn our retirement. That's what the term "golden handcuffs" means to me. I can start sentences with "I wish" or "I should", but the reality of my life is "I haven't" and "I'm not sure I ever will". When you've written 3 books, without having gone as far as trying to sell one - it has to mean the ability doesn't match the desire, but sometimes the desire is so strong and deep it burns. Don't count me out, I don't want your sympathy. There are thousands of people who would do anything to have my life. I guess that's why I often feel so selfish for wanting more.
At the end of the day, handcuffs are often used for pleasure, I'll stop here before this becomes a blog about S&M, but from time to time, it does feel like I am getting bent over. At least now it feels like it's for a good cause.
This isn't about lost hope. Lord knows I have landed on my feet, and I guess the question is whether I really deserve it or not. I encourage you all to follow that path you want to be on. Take lessons from people like me that can and don't. You can do it. I have run a marathon, I have written books, I have sold paintings. None of that happens without something getting done. Yes, we can always do more. I will be successful in the end. Be the pilot, be the captain, don't get tied to things. I am not saying don't make a commitment. I am saying that small steps towards an end result are great, but the more freedom you have, the bigger steps you can take. Don't let anyone tell you - you can't. That's bullshit. Take my example and do better, be more true. Don't take this as me complaining or regretting, my experience can make yours different, and I am not in prison, I have free will, and I am own man. The only thing that ever held me back was me, maybe I am meant to make sure you don't make the same mistake. Maybe the idiot windbag moniker from a couple of weeks ago was more apt than I thought. You decide...
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