Apparently the girls at work took a poll and I look better a little fatter than a little thinner. I find two things interesting about this fact - the first obviously being that the poll took place, and two the outcome was just randomly said to me like I knew it was taking place. It doesn't bother me - although I do wonder if the outcome of the poll had been - I looked better a little thinner - if I would have been told the result. Something tells me the cold hard reality would still have been handed to me. I have put on about ten pounds in the past two years after being at a very svelte weight for a very short time. I think I still look good, but I would certainly feel a bit more comfortable with a Pitt/Clooney makeover/takeover of my body.
I finished the half marathon this year and I finished a full marathon last year. I have a trainer I see twice a week, and I do cardo more often than I care to think about. Still I manage to be a bit heavier than I really want to be. Mostly due to the fact I compare myself against the likes of Clooney and Pitt, and I have a severe carb addiction that occasionally rules my life. I definitely shouldn't compare myself to movie stars and carbs although I love them like the children I never had - are the bane of my existence. However, I work out so hard I think it may just kill me, and lets just say if I work any harder and don't achieve the Greek God physique right this minute I will be incredibly disappointed, I live in a beyond exhausted state, and I will continue to find the act of working this hard and looking this normal - a very difficult pill to swallow. I reread that last bit and it is poorly written, doesn't make sense, and I refuse to change it because it's how I feel, and that doesn't make sense either - so there.
The fact of the matter is I wrestle with things we all do - self-image, and self- worth to name just two. I often find I am very hard on myself despite the fact I have accomplished some fairly heady goals. Liking the person I am is far from an easy thing to do when I know myself so well. I can't hide behind the excuse of not knowing who I am, and not knowing what I want out of life, so judging my successes and failures just happens to be something I excel at. To date I have never succeeded to a full 'pat on the back', but occasionally I do give myself a 'that's not bad'. Funny how if I am judging others I am very keen to give maximum allowances for things I would never tolerate about myself. Therefore the fact I have lost 120 pounds counts for very little, but the fact I have gained 10 in two years is a glaring blot on my self evaluated minor success. Ah the lack of that making any sense is not lost on me friends, but I have never denied the fact I need deep analysis and psychological help.
For the record we should all use the same scale when evaluating ourselves (that way we will be on the same page):
1 I am awesome
2 Good Show Ole Chap
3 Pat On The Back
4 That's Not Bad
5 You Have Got To Be Kidding Me
6 Is That The Best You Got
7 I should have stayed in bed
8 I Don't Even Want To Talk About It
I guess what started me off on this was the people I work with. As you can tell they are interesting people who do not feel that boundaries are located in quite the same place as most people do, and frankly I'm good with that. Between rude jokes that make you feel like you've been transported back to an office in the fifties (minus the ass slapping, but still keeping booze in the desk for an afternoon nip); to the general and regular homoerotic banter between male counterparts, it is a very strange place to spend a work day. That is what makes the place special and I have been sad recently to see the things that make it unique start to die away. There has been a general cleanse with the aim to make the place I work just as homogenized as every other work place in the world, and two things will no doubt result:
1) It will no doubt be successful and wash away all that was once great about where I worked.
2) It will be the loss of something I love.
Honestly, the thought of living in the idealized fifties when people seemingly said what they meant and lived to an honor code rather than living in a world where we all pretend to love each other and let true feelings fester (this is all minus the actual world where women were not equals and race was what made you great - there is always a downside to everything). So go ahead and tell me I look good a little heavier, just don't ask me to be happy when no one will tell me the truth. I don't need those kind of friends, and I would rather know you hated me for who I am and what I stand for. It would make me love you even more if you slapped me in the face when you said it.
Thursday, 23 June 2011
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
The sound of one hand clapping
A reflection for my young friends who have graduated or will graduate in the near future . Let's think of this as a valedictorian speech from a 37 year old who was never smart enough to have been valedictorian.
In my opinion school is not about what you learn - it is about who you start to become while you are attending school that will matter the most about twenty years after you've left. The possibilities are endless when it comes to the type of person you are becoming. There may be a job or career you feel partial to, but the reality of becoming that person may seem impossible. People will tell you being a musician is impossible - in fact you will be told that being any type of artist is impossible. You may be told that choosing a certain profession will cost you thousands of dollars to attain a degree and when you graduate you will never get a job in the field you've studied in or that the job you get will pay you nothing and reap you no benefit.
Let me - let you - in on a little secret. Anyone who deters you from becoming who you want to be. Anyone who tells you how hard something will be. Anyone who tries to persuade you that who you want to be is not possible or realistic is no friend of yours. They are not worthy of you. They are not thinking about what is best for you. They do not have your best interest at heart. I would advise you - whether this person or these people are friends or family - I would advise you to run. Whether friend or family, confidant, teacher or advisor - you need to run. You need to plug your ears and not listen like when you were six years old. You need to plug you ears and run.
I could go off on the type of person who would give you advise to NOT follow your dreams, but this is not about them. This is about you and your life. What will happen if you listen is eventually you will awaken from a dream. It's actually not a dream it is the reality of what life will become for you if you don't follow your actual dream. Your life will drift by. Your days will be filled with paying bills and doing things you hate so you can pay your bills. You will amass more bills and debt while trying to purchase things that will soothe yourself. The reason you need soothing is due to the fact that you do things you hate for a living because you amass debt and purchase things. It is a sad reality for most of us, and even more sad is the reality that all we had to do to avoid this fate was to follow a dream when we were your age. It doesn't mean that everyone will or would have become a rock star. It means that on the road to becoming a rock star you would grow as a person, and a life that begins in the right direction will most likely continue to follow the right direction, and eventually you will end up in the place you were supposed to be - instead of the place you had to manufacture because you didn't follow your dream.
Your dream may be to become a doctor, but maybe your grades are not good enough or perhaps it will just take too long and you need to feed yourself so you think you need to get a job first. Don't do it. Don't trust yourself to 'go back to school next year'. At every corner you will fight the path of least resistance. You will struggle. You will buy things you don't need, and then the excuse will be you will go back when your VISA is paid off, or when you get a new computer. Don't give yourself a chance to make excuses. You will end up forever trying to feed yourself as a bus driver or a salesman and everyday you will think about where you could have been or what you could have done if only you put your energy into doing what you wanted rather than focusing on a part of life that you will always find a way to get through anyway. So starve a little (trust me you will starve in other ways anyway). Trust yourself to find a way. Go to the damn food bank if you have to. Hell if you know me come to my house and I will feed you. Just don't let the things that jealous petty people say take you aback. Don't trust anything other than the little voice in your head that is telling you what to do.
So maybe your 'little voice' is quiet. Maybe you are the final type of person who doesn't know what you want to do. Well I call bullshit, but o.k. let's play the game. Research the job that pays the most amount of money and doesn't require you to work full time. Find the job where you can consult and work from home. Find the job that will allow you the most amount of leeway to choose projects you want to work on. Google it right now. That way you can go to school for the best job. God knows those of us working stiffs do all the shitty jobs so there is no need for you to join the ranks. Basically if you are going to work do the research and get into something that will allow you to follow your passion down the road when you figure out what it is.
In summation and trust me I know this is a total cliche, but nothing is impossible
In my opinion school is not about what you learn - it is about who you start to become while you are attending school that will matter the most about twenty years after you've left. The possibilities are endless when it comes to the type of person you are becoming. There may be a job or career you feel partial to, but the reality of becoming that person may seem impossible. People will tell you being a musician is impossible - in fact you will be told that being any type of artist is impossible. You may be told that choosing a certain profession will cost you thousands of dollars to attain a degree and when you graduate you will never get a job in the field you've studied in or that the job you get will pay you nothing and reap you no benefit.
Let me - let you - in on a little secret. Anyone who deters you from becoming who you want to be. Anyone who tells you how hard something will be. Anyone who tries to persuade you that who you want to be is not possible or realistic is no friend of yours. They are not worthy of you. They are not thinking about what is best for you. They do not have your best interest at heart. I would advise you - whether this person or these people are friends or family - I would advise you to run. Whether friend or family, confidant, teacher or advisor - you need to run. You need to plug your ears and not listen like when you were six years old. You need to plug you ears and run.
I could go off on the type of person who would give you advise to NOT follow your dreams, but this is not about them. This is about you and your life. What will happen if you listen is eventually you will awaken from a dream. It's actually not a dream it is the reality of what life will become for you if you don't follow your actual dream. Your life will drift by. Your days will be filled with paying bills and doing things you hate so you can pay your bills. You will amass more bills and debt while trying to purchase things that will soothe yourself. The reason you need soothing is due to the fact that you do things you hate for a living because you amass debt and purchase things. It is a sad reality for most of us, and even more sad is the reality that all we had to do to avoid this fate was to follow a dream when we were your age. It doesn't mean that everyone will or would have become a rock star. It means that on the road to becoming a rock star you would grow as a person, and a life that begins in the right direction will most likely continue to follow the right direction, and eventually you will end up in the place you were supposed to be - instead of the place you had to manufacture because you didn't follow your dream.
Your dream may be to become a doctor, but maybe your grades are not good enough or perhaps it will just take too long and you need to feed yourself so you think you need to get a job first. Don't do it. Don't trust yourself to 'go back to school next year'. At every corner you will fight the path of least resistance. You will struggle. You will buy things you don't need, and then the excuse will be you will go back when your VISA is paid off, or when you get a new computer. Don't give yourself a chance to make excuses. You will end up forever trying to feed yourself as a bus driver or a salesman and everyday you will think about where you could have been or what you could have done if only you put your energy into doing what you wanted rather than focusing on a part of life that you will always find a way to get through anyway. So starve a little (trust me you will starve in other ways anyway). Trust yourself to find a way. Go to the damn food bank if you have to. Hell if you know me come to my house and I will feed you. Just don't let the things that jealous petty people say take you aback. Don't trust anything other than the little voice in your head that is telling you what to do.
So maybe your 'little voice' is quiet. Maybe you are the final type of person who doesn't know what you want to do. Well I call bullshit, but o.k. let's play the game. Research the job that pays the most amount of money and doesn't require you to work full time. Find the job where you can consult and work from home. Find the job that will allow you the most amount of leeway to choose projects you want to work on. Google it right now. That way you can go to school for the best job. God knows those of us working stiffs do all the shitty jobs so there is no need for you to join the ranks. Basically if you are going to work do the research and get into something that will allow you to follow your passion down the road when you figure out what it is.
In summation and trust me I know this is a total cliche, but nothing is impossible
Thursday, 19 May 2011
Tom and the Rubber Chicken
I have a flaw in my writing which mostly involves my want to start in the middle of a story and work my way into the beginning and then attempting to find an end. There is no sequence that really works for me - I mostly just listen to the voice in my head. The voice of the character I am writing about becomes real to me. So real that I start to convince myself that the character exists. The voice becomes a real and separate being - so the question is whether that voice is mine or if it really belongs to someone else. I would like to take credit for the words I write, but truthfully I don't feel they really belong to me. I don't think the words I write will show you the root of my soul - they will simply give you a glimpse into the hamster wheel. I am not really trying to be self-effacing. I just want the truth to be known so if there ever comes a time anything I have ever said or written comes up for debate it will be widely known that the words were just thrown out. They weren't crafted or etched into existence they were spit out like a lunatic in an asylum just seconds before a fresh set of meds are injected.
What starts a story I write is a lone voice which gets me moving forward and what happens next is based on my perception of people. I put them in places and allow them to work themselves out of a situation or further into one. The way the words form and the way the story evolves always centres around human nature. You would think that this ability would allow me to have some extra insight into myself, but unfortunately the X-ray vision only works on others. Mostly it only works on fictional characters.
I am not an easy person. My view of myself is often very dim and I suppose the people I write about have the same dim view of who they are as well. That is the thread that holds us together. My flaws are deep and endless and they mount with each passing day. I have been ruthless in my own self-evaluation and yet I give people I don't know and do know the benefit of the doubt. I have not been hard enough on myself in my own opinion. I have a great life, but I walked into it. I have allowed myself to follow the path of least resistance when it comes to my career. I got lucky and a great girl loves me in spite of my flaws. I bought a house before it got so expensive I couldn't afford to even rent it in today's market.
Overall - when I have failed I have been lucky. Now looking at life I realize that every success I have had could have been magnified if I had followed my dreams. I could go to work every day and make something of my own. I could give more of myself to the girl I love. I could finally wear dread locks and shoot heroin just like I always dreamed (just kidding). I realize that if you are brave your falls will be larger than when you are safe, but when you are brave your successes are larger too. Nothing is perfect, but keep one thing in mind - you have to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day. Who do you want to look at? I seem to be avoiding the mirror quite a bit recently. Don't get me wrong I am proud of who I am - but a little voice keeps telling me that if I just try a little harder and put myself out there a little more that I could be more like the person I want to be - not just the person who settles for good enough.
I turn 37 next week. In general birthdays have never bothered me because I have always felt younger than my actual age, but this one has twinged my normal sensibilities. I feel a bit more 37 than I ever did 36 (if that makes sense). If you are wondering about the rubber chicken thing it's a long story, but at one point in my life when I was younger and thought I'd be famous one day I told a friend that when the day came to write my autobiography I would call it 'Tom and The Rubber Chicken'. It seemed just as ridiculous as the thought of me becoming famous, but it's a commitment I'm prepared to keep should the day ever come.
'Don't confront me with my failures - I have not forgotten them' (Jackson Browne)
What starts a story I write is a lone voice which gets me moving forward and what happens next is based on my perception of people. I put them in places and allow them to work themselves out of a situation or further into one. The way the words form and the way the story evolves always centres around human nature. You would think that this ability would allow me to have some extra insight into myself, but unfortunately the X-ray vision only works on others. Mostly it only works on fictional characters.
I am not an easy person. My view of myself is often very dim and I suppose the people I write about have the same dim view of who they are as well. That is the thread that holds us together. My flaws are deep and endless and they mount with each passing day. I have been ruthless in my own self-evaluation and yet I give people I don't know and do know the benefit of the doubt. I have not been hard enough on myself in my own opinion. I have a great life, but I walked into it. I have allowed myself to follow the path of least resistance when it comes to my career. I got lucky and a great girl loves me in spite of my flaws. I bought a house before it got so expensive I couldn't afford to even rent it in today's market.
Overall - when I have failed I have been lucky. Now looking at life I realize that every success I have had could have been magnified if I had followed my dreams. I could go to work every day and make something of my own. I could give more of myself to the girl I love. I could finally wear dread locks and shoot heroin just like I always dreamed (just kidding). I realize that if you are brave your falls will be larger than when you are safe, but when you are brave your successes are larger too. Nothing is perfect, but keep one thing in mind - you have to look yourself in the mirror at the end of the day. Who do you want to look at? I seem to be avoiding the mirror quite a bit recently. Don't get me wrong I am proud of who I am - but a little voice keeps telling me that if I just try a little harder and put myself out there a little more that I could be more like the person I want to be - not just the person who settles for good enough.
I turn 37 next week. In general birthdays have never bothered me because I have always felt younger than my actual age, but this one has twinged my normal sensibilities. I feel a bit more 37 than I ever did 36 (if that makes sense). If you are wondering about the rubber chicken thing it's a long story, but at one point in my life when I was younger and thought I'd be famous one day I told a friend that when the day came to write my autobiography I would call it 'Tom and The Rubber Chicken'. It seemed just as ridiculous as the thought of me becoming famous, but it's a commitment I'm prepared to keep should the day ever come.
'Don't confront me with my failures - I have not forgotten them' (Jackson Browne)
Friday, 22 April 2011
Spoken versus written words and why torture is easier than the expression of my true feelings
I have friends. I know that's hard to believe I mean I rarely make time for anyone other than myself with the exception of my wife who is a golf widow in the summer and a writing/running widow in the winter. I have slowly gathered a small group of people who temporarily tolerate me in short bursts. Maybe that is more apt than saying I have friends. Either way and regardless of how they feel for me, I have had the honour to know some extremely amazing people who make my life look simple and small in many ways. I am sure most of us would say the same about their friends.
What I realise or have slowly come to realise is that these people lead extraordinary lives and my once seemingly difficult and sheltered life seems small and mostly insignificant by comparison. My want to be extraordinary and special is diminished by the presence of the unbelievable people that surround me daily. And don't get me wrong these people are not famous. They don't all have incredible jobs and fabulous lives by today's MTV generational standards. I am not talking about people who jet everywhere, or sleep on stacks of hundred dollar bills. If that was the case this blog would be dedicated to making these people want to give me money (just kidding — kind of). What I mean is extraordinary by the standards of real human beings, with real lives. These people are giants.
I don't always know when it's appropriate to name names in this type of forum. I know I have been named in certain things on Facebook - or had pictures posted by another person and not been happy about it so I will attempt to remain vague regarding the people's names, but specific about who they are and what they represent to me.
One specific instance that has touched me recently and left me speechless are friends of ours who have a disabled child. I don't know much about disability. I don't like to think of anything as having a disability. To me it's just different. Some of us have incredible struggles in life and they are all different and varied. By what most would consider normal standards I am in awe as this child has strong courageous and wonderful parents who will to change their lives and circle the globe to help their child in any way-shape-or form given to them as a possibility. So if the problem of the child is that he started out life with a disability he ended up with parents that fight for him. That change their lives for him. That focus a great deal of who they are to make sure their child is not disabled. Simply put they are not just parents but champions of a human life.
I don't have that kind of courage. I don't have that ability to put myself aside for any amount of time to deal with others. That makes me sound selfish and I am the first to admit that when it comes to my time and my life I am as selfish as anyone. When I see people this true and this amazing it makes me look at myself in very harsh terms. I can walk into a room of millionaires and there isn't a single one that would make me feel unworthy or small. But people this selfless, truly amazing and strong, make me want to bow like I was in front of real nobility. Their truth can be difficult, but their spirit for life and their ability to look difficulties right in the eye and not back down is inspiring and beautiful to see. These are the aristocrats in today's world — in my world. And through it all they are brilliantly happy and funny people who live life and make the most out of everyday. I am sure they may feel defeated at times as we all do. This is when I wish I could be there - I wish I could be there with my pom-poms and my short cheerleader outfit (nice image) and just let them know how all the people who know them feel privileged to know them, everyone who loves them is inspired by their strength and we want to be there. To be their cheerleader for that moment.
My challenge in life is trying to tell them this. I can do many things well and a few things I can do better than average, but I struggle with my voice. My voice when I write is strong, and I am not afraid to stand up in front of a group people and talk or try to be funny. None of this makes me nervous. It's only when the talk gets personal. When the words are heartfelt and the expression could help or make a person feel special that I have a more difficult time. Often all the words will come into my head, but the voice will not propel them out into the world where they could do some good. That is unless I can propel them by writing them down and sending them off into the void where maybe these people will see them. Maybe then it will do some good.
So to all my friends - to any of you that are struggling today or may find yourself struggling tomorrow - I am here for you. I will give you anything I am able to give. I will help in anyway I possibly can. I just may not be able to say out loud exactly what you want or need to hear, but if you need it, and you have a minute or two to wait for me to write it down - then just let me know.
And specifically to the two friends that I mention above — my skills as a parent are zero — my ability to comprehend what you need is small — my thoughts are with you not just today but more often than you realise — and if there is any small thing I can do that will make your incredible lives easier then I will drop everything and be there to aide you. My admiration for you as people is far beyond what any words are able to express. I know of everything these words do - they probably do very little to actually help, but I humbly offer anything I am capable of providing to help - even the cheerleader outfit.
What I realise or have slowly come to realise is that these people lead extraordinary lives and my once seemingly difficult and sheltered life seems small and mostly insignificant by comparison. My want to be extraordinary and special is diminished by the presence of the unbelievable people that surround me daily. And don't get me wrong these people are not famous. They don't all have incredible jobs and fabulous lives by today's MTV generational standards. I am not talking about people who jet everywhere, or sleep on stacks of hundred dollar bills. If that was the case this blog would be dedicated to making these people want to give me money (just kidding — kind of). What I mean is extraordinary by the standards of real human beings, with real lives. These people are giants.
I don't always know when it's appropriate to name names in this type of forum. I know I have been named in certain things on Facebook - or had pictures posted by another person and not been happy about it so I will attempt to remain vague regarding the people's names, but specific about who they are and what they represent to me.
One specific instance that has touched me recently and left me speechless are friends of ours who have a disabled child. I don't know much about disability. I don't like to think of anything as having a disability. To me it's just different. Some of us have incredible struggles in life and they are all different and varied. By what most would consider normal standards I am in awe as this child has strong courageous and wonderful parents who will to change their lives and circle the globe to help their child in any way-shape-or form given to them as a possibility. So if the problem of the child is that he started out life with a disability he ended up with parents that fight for him. That change their lives for him. That focus a great deal of who they are to make sure their child is not disabled. Simply put they are not just parents but champions of a human life.
I don't have that kind of courage. I don't have that ability to put myself aside for any amount of time to deal with others. That makes me sound selfish and I am the first to admit that when it comes to my time and my life I am as selfish as anyone. When I see people this true and this amazing it makes me look at myself in very harsh terms. I can walk into a room of millionaires and there isn't a single one that would make me feel unworthy or small. But people this selfless, truly amazing and strong, make me want to bow like I was in front of real nobility. Their truth can be difficult, but their spirit for life and their ability to look difficulties right in the eye and not back down is inspiring and beautiful to see. These are the aristocrats in today's world — in my world. And through it all they are brilliantly happy and funny people who live life and make the most out of everyday. I am sure they may feel defeated at times as we all do. This is when I wish I could be there - I wish I could be there with my pom-poms and my short cheerleader outfit (nice image) and just let them know how all the people who know them feel privileged to know them, everyone who loves them is inspired by their strength and we want to be there. To be their cheerleader for that moment.
My challenge in life is trying to tell them this. I can do many things well and a few things I can do better than average, but I struggle with my voice. My voice when I write is strong, and I am not afraid to stand up in front of a group people and talk or try to be funny. None of this makes me nervous. It's only when the talk gets personal. When the words are heartfelt and the expression could help or make a person feel special that I have a more difficult time. Often all the words will come into my head, but the voice will not propel them out into the world where they could do some good. That is unless I can propel them by writing them down and sending them off into the void where maybe these people will see them. Maybe then it will do some good.
So to all my friends - to any of you that are struggling today or may find yourself struggling tomorrow - I am here for you. I will give you anything I am able to give. I will help in anyway I possibly can. I just may not be able to say out loud exactly what you want or need to hear, but if you need it, and you have a minute or two to wait for me to write it down - then just let me know.
And specifically to the two friends that I mention above — my skills as a parent are zero — my ability to comprehend what you need is small — my thoughts are with you not just today but more often than you realise — and if there is any small thing I can do that will make your incredible lives easier then I will drop everything and be there to aide you. My admiration for you as people is far beyond what any words are able to express. I know of everything these words do - they probably do very little to actually help, but I humbly offer anything I am capable of providing to help - even the cheerleader outfit.
Monday, 11 April 2011
My cats are trying to kill me.
Why is it no one believes me when I tell them my cats are plotting my death? Is it so hard to believe? The fact is I think the actual plot is to kill me in my sleep and find a way to blame the dogs so they are removed from the house. Cats only love you because they are forced to, dogs are too stupid not to love you.
I suppose you think it's impossible to be killed by a cat? There is evidence to support my theory:
1) Is the creepy way they look at me 2) They like my wife way more than me 3) I have a constant cat nip flavour on my tongue which leads me to believe they stalk me in my sleep 4) I awake constantly feeling like I am a cat toy bouncing on a string and in my sleepy daze I hear the lingering sound of jingle balls and am covered in a cocoon of cat fur.
A friend of mine is getting married soon. As a man who has been married to a woman for all of his adult life and a little bit before the adult part happened - I think I understand loving someone. It doesn't mean I solved a mystery or understand the secret of relationships. I just get wanting to be with the same person. Wanting to 'get' that person and accept them. That to me is what the 'marriage' is - you are committing to be flexible, to be kind, to be understanding, and in return you are asking for the same. Love is the by product. It is the want for eternity and happiness, but there is no guarantee that a simple vow will lead to either. There is no way to ensure you will not get hurt. No way to ensure that even though I've been married 12 years and with the same woman for 16 that we will end up together. It is my intention for nothing to change by allowing everything to change - except for the bond. The vow I made to recognise the bond and protect it, shelter it and foster it. People don't believe in vows that much anymore. We are no longer taught that your word is your honour. That honour has value, and being a man or woman of honour is all that matters. Again a simple view on life. The details of life make the realities of a bond, a vow, and honour difficult words to live by.
Morality for the masses. Morality is forgotten because life is hard. We search for the path of least resistance and we flood those who take it with accolades. Well I like to think I am a man of honour. That doesn't mean I have never made mistakes. I have done dishonourable things. Things I am not proud of and things that sting me to this very day. The difference is I learn from those things. I don't celebrate my failures I live with them, and I try to never repeat them. My success - if it ever happens - will not be at the expense of others. My success - if it ever happens - will celebrate others. Ah utopia. And in summation if I die tonight - blame the cats.
I suppose you think it's impossible to be killed by a cat? There is evidence to support my theory:
1) Is the creepy way they look at me 2) They like my wife way more than me 3) I have a constant cat nip flavour on my tongue which leads me to believe they stalk me in my sleep 4) I awake constantly feeling like I am a cat toy bouncing on a string and in my sleepy daze I hear the lingering sound of jingle balls and am covered in a cocoon of cat fur.
A friend of mine is getting married soon. As a man who has been married to a woman for all of his adult life and a little bit before the adult part happened - I think I understand loving someone. It doesn't mean I solved a mystery or understand the secret of relationships. I just get wanting to be with the same person. Wanting to 'get' that person and accept them. That to me is what the 'marriage' is - you are committing to be flexible, to be kind, to be understanding, and in return you are asking for the same. Love is the by product. It is the want for eternity and happiness, but there is no guarantee that a simple vow will lead to either. There is no way to ensure you will not get hurt. No way to ensure that even though I've been married 12 years and with the same woman for 16 that we will end up together. It is my intention for nothing to change by allowing everything to change - except for the bond. The vow I made to recognise the bond and protect it, shelter it and foster it. People don't believe in vows that much anymore. We are no longer taught that your word is your honour. That honour has value, and being a man or woman of honour is all that matters. Again a simple view on life. The details of life make the realities of a bond, a vow, and honour difficult words to live by.
Morality for the masses. Morality is forgotten because life is hard. We search for the path of least resistance and we flood those who take it with accolades. Well I like to think I am a man of honour. That doesn't mean I have never made mistakes. I have done dishonourable things. Things I am not proud of and things that sting me to this very day. The difference is I learn from those things. I don't celebrate my failures I live with them, and I try to never repeat them. My success - if it ever happens - will not be at the expense of others. My success - if it ever happens - will celebrate others. Ah utopia. And in summation if I die tonight - blame the cats.
Wednesday, 6 April 2011
Holy Hanna Blogging is Hard When You're An Idiot
It's been a week. Sorry I know you missed me. I missed myself - I mean truly how can I go an entire week without creative outlet? Well the easy answer is Blogger wouldn't let me log in, and my ineptness at all social media doesn't help. I did write this week - I actually wrote pages for my upcoming book. I'm not trying to sell you anything. The only reason I mention it is the limited access to my creative outlets i.e. Twitter, Facebook, and now Blogger forced me to actually create something. Do you have a similar story? I assume you do - tell me about them - or remain anonymous. I know I was anonymous most of my life until a friend made me embrace the social media. And yes when my Facebook page went live for the first time it felt like the entire world was looking at me and the ensuing panic attack was not pretty. I ran around the house naked to calm myself down. Well that was just for fun really, but sometimes it's nice to have an excuse. So now when I'm short on time I use these outlets to be creative in short bursts. I am always looking for other outlets so if you have any please pass it along. In fact we could hold hands and sing camp fire songs and share our life experiences. Let's go further and start a commune where we can all quit our jobs and create stuff. We could be an 'arty' commune - I'm sure no one has ever thought of that before. Should I have put 'lol' at the end of that last sentence? I swear that people can't read properly anymore (or write properly meaning me lol) thus we are all forced to follow these new social conventions so when I say something facetious I now need to add 'lol' so the person understands I'm only joking. Sorry - little pet peeve/rant. I am definitely not a high brow snob, but it bothers me that people can't judge for themselves when something is funny. Like the T.V. sitcom laugh track needs to be transplanted into our daily lives because we are all too stupid to see the humour in anything. The worst part is the Oxford Dictionary recognises these half words lol. That was a sad lol - not a funny one.
Wednesday, 30 March 2011
Have you ever felt the need to unleash your inner child? Take advantage of the fact that you are brilliant and exceptional? Ever actually done it? My life has become about the quest to understand why we end up where we do. Surrounded by people we often don't like, and forced to do work we generally stomach for the paycheque but has no redeeming value and adds nothing to our life experience. I suppose it's a selfish quest. I'm sure there are psychologists everywhere that will line up to tell me I'm being unreasonable. My goal is to achieve peace for myself and everyone around me. To create a world for myself where the people I know are able to contribute to the world in the way they want to, and not the way they are forced to by circumstance or financial requirement. What I do understand fully is that success in life is not absolute. It is a sliding scale and we as humans need to be able to understand that nothing is ever perfect and often our lives are not as horrible as we think. People fail to recognize success in stages or portions, and it is the absolute that ties us down and holds us back from the attempt. The old adage that life is the journey and not the destination, but that is obscured daily by the need to feed yourself and put a roof over your own head. So what is it that will make your life better? And don't give me absolutes - we need reasonable desires that are attainable, and the small steps we take will lead us to this mythical place where we are essentially happy. I don't want to live life in 'the bubble' so don't give me your ‘reason’ we need logical resolution to life problems here people. There will be pain and disappointment and loves will be won and lost. What I am talking about is the regular life of the average person working for the better. Becoming the clearest version of yourself while living your life to the fullest extent available - not the dream life, but the true life. Live the life you are given. I know for a fact through all the success in my life I do not live the way I should. I get bogged down in the details and lost in the absolute version of my ideal life.
So who am I? I am a writer and an artist. I specialize in keeping everything I do a secret. It's far easier to hide my work than it is to show it or try to sell it. So far my strategy is working perfectly. Not only have I not sold anything there is very little chance it will happen any time soon. So bring your talent with me and together we will remain anonymous yet content within our little circle. We will fulfill our need to be successful by doing nothing and wondering why nothing happens. Or not....
So who am I? I am a writer and an artist. I specialize in keeping everything I do a secret. It's far easier to hide my work than it is to show it or try to sell it. So far my strategy is working perfectly. Not only have I not sold anything there is very little chance it will happen any time soon. So bring your talent with me and together we will remain anonymous yet content within our little circle. We will fulfill our need to be successful by doing nothing and wondering why nothing happens. Or not....
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